I'm so fucking centered right now
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
