She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
