Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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