What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
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