I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
