just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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