At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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