I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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