So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
His nipple licking is glorious
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