Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
