I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
