my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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