worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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