I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
