i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Randomize
