I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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