Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
