I'm really into asian looking animals
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
