I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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