he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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