I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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