Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
