2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
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