I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
He felt like a one man threesome
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Your topless pictures make me question reality
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Randomize
