i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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