I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Sober January is a disaster.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
