Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
