her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
