My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
