I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
