Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
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