A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
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