zippers are such a cool invention
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
