goodnight i made you a song goodbye
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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