after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
