I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
