So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
