I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
