SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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