I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
false alarm. still invincible.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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