i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
People in love make me want to vomit
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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