Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
