i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
you made out with another girl for some wings
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
