I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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