at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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