woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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