i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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