Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
