Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
