So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
