Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
