speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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