First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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