it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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